I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
by hma1010
Summary: Set after Glease, Kurt finds out news that has devastated Blaine. Struggling with the love and the anger that he feels for his exboyfriend, can he be there for him? Secondary character death.


**Hey all! So this takes place after Glease, I hope you like it and I'd love to hear what you think!**

**The title is just my favorite poem.**

**-I don't own anything from Glee!**

* * *

Monday dance class is always rough on Kurt, but today is especially painful. The class hasn't even started yet, people are still shuffling in, but as he stretches, his limbs feel particularly stiff. He doesn't regret what he said to Blaine this past weekend; it's true, McKinley isn't his home anymore; _Lima_ doesn't even remotely feel like home. So it's not regret that keeps that conversation on the forefront of his mind, so much so that he didn't fall asleep until well after 2:00 am, mainly it's Blaine's face. The absolute look of devastation that Kurt caught a glimpse of before he turned his back on him.

He knows what Blaine heard when he had said that…he heard _You're_ not home any more. Maybe some of the hurt he feels helped to form that particular barb that he threw at his exboyfriend, but at this point, he can't really care. With every tinge of guilt he feels, there's an even bigger thrust of painstaking heartbreak from the thought that Blaine was with someone else.

Kurt shakes his head lightly, trying to rid himself of this hate/love emotional rollercoaster that his brain has been putting him through since Blaine told him. He looks around the room and sighs when he realizes Alex and Michael, two of the biggest gossips at NYADA, have decided to stand within earshot of him. At McKinley he may have loved to hear all the best gossip, but with these two it's all backstabbing and slander. Today is no different as he overhears them start to chatter about some junior who was kicked out for getting pregnant.

Kurt distracts himself from their musings for a few minutes, practicing his turns, when suddenly their conversation grabs his attention again because the third, and most annoying, of their little group comes running in, misty eyed.

"Oh my God! Did you hear?!" He dramatically drops his bag.

"Jason, what happened?" Michael takes his hand.

"Haven't you watched the news? Oh my God that really cute guy was in a car accident…you know, the one from all those commercials?"

"Wait which guy?"

"The one from all those Free Credit Report Commercials, the devastatingly handsome one, I'm so sad."

Kurt's head snaps up towards them and he finds himself talking before he's even consciously made the decision to, "Cooper Anderson?"

Three sets of eyes turn towards him and they all wear matching unimpressed faces.

"If that's his name, then I guess so."

Kurt's heart begins racing, "Is he ok?"

Jason makes a face as if Kurt had somehow cut into a very private conversation, but still answers…always wanting to be the one delivering the news.

"No, he died. Another tragic death of a cute boy who…"

Kurt zones them out and is immediately looking for his phone in his bag, typing Cooper Anderson into the search engine, his breath catches when result after result talks about the tragic loss of the young and talented Cooper Anderson. Kurt opens one of the articles:

_A little after 1 am on November 27__th__, Cooper Anderson was driving his Toyota Corolla, when he was struck by a drunk driver who ran a red light. Anderson, of the Free Credit Report commercial fame, was killed instantly, however the driver of the other car, Kevin Celits (45), was taken to the hospital with minor injuries and is expected to be officially charged with manslaughter later today. Cooper Anderson (28), an actor, leaves behind his mother and father, Mitch and Jaclyn Anderson, and an eighteen year old brother, Blaine Anderson. Services will be held back in Anderson's hometown of Lima, Ohio later this week. Fans are…_

Kurt stopped reading, feeling sick to his stomach. He shakily wiped away the tears that were falling down his face and immediately grabbed his bag before walking out of the room without giving the inhabitants a second glance, though he heard Michael whisper "Drama queen," quite loudly.

Kurt called Tina first, knowing she was closest to Blaine at this point, and found out the service for Cooper would be tomorrow; that Blaine was staying strong.

He called his father next and confirmed that he could use the "in-case-of-emergency-card." _Of course you can, Kurt, let me know when you get in so I can pick you up,_ he had said.

The train ride back to Bushwick was a blur, but he bought his plane ticket on the walk from the station to their apartment.

He was relieved to find that Rachel was at the loft. After explaining to her what had happened, and consoling her for the loss of a kindred spirit, she helped him pack. He was even further relieved to find that she didn't try to stop him, though he didn't think she would have even if she didn't love Blaine as much as she did.

Taking the red eye, crammed between a woman who looked like she was about to have a panic attack with every bump, and a man who decided that the shared armrest was his, was not the most ideal situation, but Kurt couldn't find it in himself to care. The only thing Kurt's mind could concentrate on was the fact that he may have just made a huge mistake. As the plane took off, the realization that he was going back to Lima to be there for Blaine, who though he loved, was still his cheating exboyfriend, set in a panic that he was not prepared for.

What if Blaine didn't want him there? Even worse, what if the moment he saw Blaine _he_ didn't want to be there and couldn't even provide the support he intended? The push pull of his love and his anger sat heavy on his shoulders the entire two-hour flight, and when they finally landed, he felt numb until he got into his dad's truck.

Just the site of his dad and a "Hey bud," was enough to throw him into a fit of hysterics.

Burt's eyes widened as his son burst into tears and he quickly drove the truck to the waiting area of the airport so he could properly calm Kurt down.

Burt pulled Kurt into a hug, or as much of a hug as the middle consul would allow. When Kurt's tears eventually subsided after a few minutes, Burt finally spoke, "What's going on?"

Kurt sniffled a little and wiped at his eyes as he pulled away from his father, "I'm sorry, dad, just everything happened so quickly, and I keep thinking of Blaine, then I keep feeling angry that I care this much, which just makes me feel worse because his brother is dead and I'm still angry at him, and I'm such a horrible person." Tears began falling again.

"Hey, you listen to me, just because Blaine's brother died, which yes is horrible and I feel terrible for the kid, but just because that happens, doesn't mean that you still being mad because he cheated makes you a bad person, ok? It was a terrible thing he did, and those kinds of feelings don't just go away, but the fact that you got on the first flight so that you could be here for him, even though you are angry with him…now that shows that you're not a horrible person." He rubbed his hand up and down Kurt's arm soothingly.

"I guess," He sniffled a little, "I just don't know how to help him when I still feel so angry."

Burt turned back to the steering wheel, seeing that Kurt's emotions were under control, and put the car into drive, "When you see him tomorrow, you'll know what to do."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're your mother's son and she always knew what to do to make someone feel better. Plus, even if you just sit in the back of the church, just you being there, I'm telling you that will mean the world to Blaine."

With that, they spent the rest of the car ride home in silence, the 80s on 8 station lulling them as Kurt planned for the next day.

* * *

At 11:45am Kurt found himself standing outside of the Lima Presbyterian Church, where Tina had told him the service would be held. He had seen a few of the Glee kids going in as he found parking, but it seemed that he was one of the last to arrive for the 12pm service. With a deep breath, Kurt readied himself and hoped his father was right about knowing what to do.

Walking in, there were maybe thirty or forty people there, and after finding a seat towards the back, his heart began racing when he looked at the casket at the alter and Cooper's picture framed next to it. He was able to quickly find Blaine, noting that he was sitting next to his mother who appeared to be inconsolable and leaning on her husband next to her. It struck Kurt then that though Blaine was with his parents, they seemed to be leaning on each other as he just stared ahead, alone. Kurt felt his heart break a little for his exboyfriend.

The service eventually began, and though Kurt found the mentions of God and angels, of heaven and an afterlife, to be a bit much, he respectfully paid attention and hoped that it was at least reassuring to Blaine's parents. Blaine had always believed that there was something, and Kurt smiled a little when he remembered Blaine talking about how God was not a homophobic asshole like some people tended to believe, but was actually a cool guy who "loved the gays" and had a soft spot for Roxy music and dancing. Kurt always thought he made God seem like Kevin Bacon in _Footloose_, but he always listened as Blaine talked about it because even if he didn't believe in it, he still found it reassuring to hear.

Towards the end of the service, the pastor called Blaine up to speak, and Kurt suddenly felt like he was in a backwards de ja vu from the past Friday. Whereas during the show, Blaine was in all white, he was now in all black, however the look, when he saw Kurt, was exactly the same. To Kurt, it looked like he had seen a ghost. But just like on Friday, Blaine powered through the shock and spoke on, only this time about Cooper.

He spoke about how Cooper was a great older brother, how he was always there for Blaine, even if he was off in Hollywood. Blaine told a story about how patient Cooper was when helping him with singing and dancing and acting lessons when he was young, all the way up to this past year. Kurt listened as Blaine spoke on and on about how wonderful his brother was, and his heart both grew and broke for Blaine. He knew how much Blaine's relationship with Cooper, or lack of, hurt him. He'd witnessed dozens of breakdowns from times when Cooper was too busy, to blunt, or just didn't care. Kurt knew that Cooper was a great guy and loved Blaine, but that he was selfish at times and forgot to involve his younger brother. He knew this, and he knew that Blaine was idealizing Cooper so that the audience, his parents, could remember their son for the good moments, though few and far between, that Cooper was there.

Kurt was proud that Blaine didn't break down while speaking of his brother, not even when he looked at his picture and the casket. He felt the strength that Blaine was radiating, even if he was only holding it for the others in the room. Blaine was always so strong.

After the pastor spoke for a few more minutes, Blaine, his father, and a few uncles and cousins Kurt recognized stood up to carry the casket out of church. As the processional passed, Kurt noticed that Blaine's eyes shifted to him briefly, and he quickly set his jaw to keep his emotions in check, turning his eyes forward and away from Kurt.

It wasn't until the funeral at the ceremony was over, and people were walking away, that Kurt finally was able to have time alone with Blaine. He watched as his parents spoke to him for a few moments before walking away towards the car, Blaine turning back towards the casket.

Kurt walked up and stood next to him, not saying a word. They stood there for a few minutes in silence before Blaine spoke.

"I keep thinking that if I just stand here, that they won't lower the casket, and that this won't be real."

Kurt looked at his profile, "It's the hardest part." He said quietly, voice level matching where Blaine's had been.

"Them lowering the casket?"

"Walking away."

Blaine nodded his head a little before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before looking out at the cemetery.

"Thank you for coming, you didn't have to, I didn't expect you to after what I…"

"Of course I would come." He cut him off quietly. He paused for a moment, still staring at Blaine's stiff stance, his set jaw, "I hated when people asked me this, but I don't know a better way to say it so…how are you holding up?"

He sighed a little and lifted his shoulder in a shrug, "For my parents and relatives and friend? I'm doing as well as can be expected. In reality? Barely," His voice shook a little.

Kurt put his hand on Blaine's shoulder and felt him tense, but he didn't remove it, "You can be strong for them, but you don't have to fake it here, now…with me."

Blaine just nodded, his jaw working a little, "Blaine, look at me."

He took another deep breath, and when he looked at Kurt, his eyes were swimming with tears, though none were falling.

He placed his palm on Blaine's cheek, which he leaned into a little, and Kurt studied his face for a moment, before pulling him into a tight hug. And like his father had said, he knew this was the right thing to do because like a dam, Blaine's emotions broke and he was sobbing in Kurt's arms. Though he understood his reservations, in this moment, he couldn't imagine feeling anger towards Blaine because at this moment, it wasn't about him, it wasn't even about them, it was about this boy and the heartbreak that he was experiencing with the loss of a brother he was never able to fully connect with like he had always wanted.

Kurt allowed him to cry, rubbing his back for comfort, squeezing him a little tighter each time the sobs seemed to wrack his small frame a little harder. Eventually, he was able to stop crying, and then Kurt held him for a little longer, trying to give him some of his strength to continue on. When it was clear that Blaine was calm, he pulled back a little, wiped Blaine's face with his hanker chief, and gave him the space to return to the mindset he was at before.

They stood side by side once again, the cemetery crew standing off to the side, patiently waiting for them to leave so they could do their job, and after a few more sniffles Blaine spoke again, voice horse and quiet, "Thank you."

Without looking at him, he reached his hand out and took Blaine's, "Always."


End file.
